The Crypto Epidemic in Nigeria (E dey pay?)

“A twelve year old kid enslaves Nigerians to their screens.”

By Randy Aneke

I mean, a book title like this might be looked at as a click bait but in actual sense it is a perfect representation of the Nigerian situation. The Nigerian ‘crypto mania’ is a real deal. I mean, with over 200 million citizens and about 70% of the population under 30, be rest assured that one in five people are tapping their screens… or is it one in three?

Emeka says the free money he missed from Notcoin still hurts his guts and that is why he has confiscated his mother’s phone and established a second branch for late night tapping. After all, “she doesn’t need her phone for anything apart from phone calls, and I don go price GLK like this o!” He says.
Are we that poor?

The current Nigerian government came in with a lot of promises… failed to live up to its billing and then blamed the previous government for the current situation; but it’s noting we are not use to, it’s their turn (è mi ló kan).

All we have to do now is to find a way to earn in dollars, then surf on the wave of the depreciating naira! ‘After all Naija no dey carry last’. In our quest to do that we are left with a zombie crypto apocalyptic nation where everyone drools like a dog and are obsessed with brains, well in this case obsessed with “free money”… but who wouldn’t be? I guess.

We go Back to Default Mode till Another Major Win.

It has now been months since I heard the expression E dey pay? Millions of Nigerians have had their hearts torn apart and their efforts wasted by the science project of a twelve year old Russian kid, a project they claim did not “cook”.

It’s 8 am, and I bump into Emeka on his way to work. “Now I’m wondering why you’re not driving your GLK.” I say mockingly. Emeka scrunches his face in disgust, not hiding his frustration of having to walk to work. The crypto mania ended as quick as it started, and now Emeka no longer has need for his mother’s phone… “I think phone calls are more important than tapping.” He says.
It’s been a few months of serenity that is proudly sponsored by Tapswap (the failed chef). But wait, in the early hours, while Nigerians were asleep, a new coin cooked and served the few nocturnal folks(the five wise virgins) forgetting the hungry Emeka. It is now high noon and the cryptomania is back! There’s a crypto rush hour like never before. I walk by Emeka’s house and he is visibly agitated…“I can’t believe I missed out on this golden opportunity to buy my GLK.” I take quick glance at his hands and I gasp! What is he holding? “Emeka, three phones?” I shouted! He has established a third branch for late night tapping; “My father also doesn’t need his phone except for phone calls!” He says, grinning from ear to ear.